I Feel Like

IMG_7571I might be coming into the other side of something. It’s weird. After hanging onto my relationship with Leo for so long. I mean, I really hung on in there. I was desperate not to let this guy go I mean, it took me so long for me to find him didn’t it? And was that not secretly what I had been looking for all this time? My other half? To make me whole and complete? Thing is when you go looking for a half, you get exactly that. A half a person that you want and another half of a person who you don’t want anything to do with. What a strange place to be I asked myself, desperately trying to feel whole myself as it must have been my half that I was missing. As soon as those realisations started to occur, and things like a realisation that I wanted my decisions to fly solo for so long to have some kind of validation. But what I have been left with is fear, to go out there and do all the things I’ve done a thousand times before… how can I still be scared?

All I know is that I am, and I am flying solo. But this time I continue with myself whole. I am not missing anything. I never was, or maybe I was actually, this self belief. And this makes me no promises, no guarantees. All I know is that bit by bit I can listen to music again, and that I don’t need a single thing to feel valid, I am valid, I am here. I breathe don’t I? I’m back home again, skint, but surrounded by the people who believe in me and love me the most. Is that not enough to go on with? Except this time the force is doubled. It is here and it is there now. I am not alone. I am not flying solo, I am with the flock.

I just made up a new pen drive of music, tomorrow in between doctors and vegan breakfasts and singing with a disco choir I’m going to head out. Like I have done a thousand times before and will do a thousand times more, with my speaker, with my hoops, and give the people what I have, what they are looking for… a little bit of magic.

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